Secret Drinker reviews The Grapes in Sleaford
Scrapping, underage drinking, drug use and overcrowding are just some of the serious issues that have plagued The Grapes recently.
At least this is what Lincolnshire Police told a hearing which decided to strip the place of its licence last month.
To be honest, I’m not sure whether I’m writing a review or a eulogy this week as, unless an appeal has been lodged, the place will cease to operate tomorrow (Saturday, December 7).
So, with time running out and being the type of nosey old git who likes to form my own opinions, I decided I’d better go and check the place out for myself.
Ok, this was an evening in midweek so the Friday-Saturday overcrowding which sees drinkers - and trouble - spill out onto the streets wasn’t there, to the point I was able to park up right outside.
Given the reputation The Grapes has seemingly built up around the Sleaford area, the bars on the front door raised a chuckle before I even knew what I was letting myself in for - which instantly turned out to be extremely loud, fast, thumping music.
The second thing I noticed was that I was at least twice the age - and then some - of anyone in there.
Two lads flitted between their phones and flirting with the young barmaid in that saying-nothing-of-substance-loudly-and-confidently way that teens and early twentysomethings do.
Behind them two girls sat on stools at a barrel-table, merrily vaping away without a care in the world.
Resisting the urge order ‘Sex on the Beach, £7.50’ or ‘Quick F**k Shots, 5 for £10’ as advertised in chalk at the front of the bar, I showed my age - and lack of willing to be won over by cheap innuendo - by grabbing a pint and taking my seat in what is a nice looking pub.
It was fresh, clean, new, bright an attractive with plenty of seating for a relatively small place. I liked the modern feel.
By now a few more young lads and lasses had (I believe the term is) rocked up, but no way near enough to make me fear the car would end up becoming some useful furniture in a street brawl.
One guy headed for the fruities, another was so delighted to hear a song he liked start playing he did a finger snap, shouted ‘tooon’ and got the barmaid to ‘crank it up’.
Thankfully the barmaid agreed and the eardrum-splitting music got even louder as I enjoyed the deafening bu-buddu-bu-du-bu-du-du bassline of Lumberjackin’ (vocal mix) by Serum & Inja.
(Before you think I’m some kind of music connoisseur with grime and garage dominating my Spotify Wrapped, I ought to point out I needed to use the Shazam app to figure out what this ‘tooon’ was. In case you’re interested, it was followed by the 2020 mix of 450 by the Bad Boy Chiller Crew).
Enthused by the music, the guy, flanked by his pals, picked up a pool cue and made his way over to our direction.
“Excuse me,” he said politely, asking us to help him free up some space so he could break.
A couple of jokes followed as the ball regularly rolled in the corner closest to us and he had to keep on asking us to shift it.
Eventually I shifted it all the way to the gents and… well… oh my.
If you think the chalk was put to good use advertising the ‘F**k Shots’ just wait until nature calls.
Above the toilet on a large blackboard was scrawled the legend ‘sprinkles are for cupcakes NOT toilet seats’ which I presumed to be a warning to cocaine enthusiasts.
‘Live. Love. Laugh’ this ain’t. But better was to come above the urinal.
The ditty ‘please keep me clean or I’ll tell EVERYONE what I’ve seen’ was written, next to a lifelike drawing of a hand with the thumb and forefinger pinched closely together (the guy obviously had talent).
In smaller script some wag had taken it upon themselves to explain this already obvious gag by adding ‘Minty has a small willy’.
It’s not often I leave the gents laughing and telling my mate to ‘check out what I’ve just seen in there’ but this was certainly the time and place.
Now, as I attempt to be fair and objective with my visits, I can only judge each pub by what I see.
And from my small snapshot into life at The Grapes - which has seen nearby businesses publicly state the boozer has improved and tried to its put problems behind it - I saw no trouble, just a pub for youngsters doing youngster things that so many of us did at that age.
Yeah, the place probably had more tracksuit bottoms, leggings and neck tattoos than the type of spots many of you may wish to patronise, but with that came a vibe of fun, freedom and living in the moment that us older sods all too easily give up on when the bills get bigger.
From my visit, The Grapes isn’t rough. It’s a little rough around the edges. I was out of my reality but not my comfort zone, and did enjoy seeing the kids enjoying themselves.
Perhaps it’s best to find out for yourself rather than believing everything you hear. Isn’t that right, Minty?
THE GRAPES, SOUTH GATE, SLEAFORD, NG34 7SY
DECOR: It’s a good-looking modern, comfy pub with plenty of big screens, a pool table and dart board. And it’s amazing to see what you can do with a bit of chalk. 3/5
DRINK: When in Rome. I had a pint of Peroni Nastro Azzurro (ABV 5%). 3/5
PRICE: I paid £5.50, around the going rate. 3/5
ATMOSPHERE: Whether Lumberjackin’ is your thing or not, the place was lively and everyone was having fun. Isn’t that what we want from a pub? I saw no trouble of any kind at all. 4/5
STAFF: The one barmaid working was fine, laughing away with the guys at the bar. 3/5
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