Columnist Allan Grey considers what’s happening at Oakham’s railway crossing
Well, it’s that time again, writes Rutland columnist Allan Grey.
What tosh can I attempt to amuse you with this week? Some oxymorons maybe, those figures of speech we use regularly, combinations of words in mortal combat with one another.
Did you know the word oxymoron is itself an oxymoron, taken from two Greek words, oxys, meaning sharp or keen, and moros, meaning dull or stupid?
A few of my most irritating oxymorons then. ‘Fun run’. If I want to have fun, I certainly won’t be putting on a pair of running shoes and wheezing my way round the bypass. ‘Almost exactly’. Well, I guess we all know two plus two might equal four. Is that almost correct or exactly correct? It can’t be both.
How about ‘Conservative party’? What’s the point of a conservative party? Steady now, keep it clean. I mean, no booze, a ham sandwich and home in bed by 9pm? That’s conservative but it’s not a party. That’s beyond boring.
Now, my last column alluded to - no, ranted about - the closure of Brooke Road from Derwent Drive to Cricket Lawns, not just to vehicular traffic but also to pedestrians, all leading to the current chaos at the main level crossing. Well, over the recent bank holiday weekend the first thing I saw on a local social media page were the words ‘common sense’ and ‘local politicians’. In the same sentence, can you believe? Now there’s an oxymoron for you.
I was shocked. Shocked to find that common sense appeared to have prevailed and pedestrian access had been restored; that local residents were again to be trusted to traverse the crossing and meander up and down Brooke Road, safely, by day and by night, even unaccompanied. I even managed to cycle through on Sunday morning without getting flattened by the 9.45am to Stansted.
Fast forward a couple of days and I think, yep, I’ll walk that way home from town. Lo and behold, pedestrian access is again denied. A chat with the Burmor site manager revealed that a very naughty member of the public, not the messiah himself, but probably a willing accomplice, had taken it upon themselves to demonstrate some ‘illicit’ common sense and open up pedestrian access, apparently all captured on CCTV and soon to be serialised on Netflix.
Conversely, their risk assessment had determined there were at least 500 houses the other side of the crossing, each of which might contain as many as two people. Do the maths and that’s 1,000 people crossing both ways every day until the next solar eclipse (that’s October 2 this year, by the way) and that number of people rampaging up and down Brooke Road would be a major safety hazard on the off chance that something was actually happening, which, of course, is about as likely as me becoming a local politician… common sense, tee hee.
Moving on and referring back to that Conservative party ham sandwich, I find that my eating habits need to change if I am going to see out many more days in good health.
That stalwart lunchtime favourite, the humble ham sandwich - turns out it’s a Trojan horse and could end up killing me. Research has shown that it significantly increases the chances of raising my blood sugar levels leading to type two diabetes and is considered to be on par with smoking 50 Woodbines and downing 10 pints of Special Brew every day.
Furthermore, reducing my consumption of processed or red meat by just 20 grams, from 90 to 70 grams per day, will save me from most other life-limiting conditions including ingrowing toenails and halitosis, so my plan is to just eat three-quarters of the ham sandwich and throw the rest away, far better than a 5K run or an hour in the gym.
Apparently there are thousands of seriously qualified people in world-renown institutes undertaking painstaking research into the immense and irreversible harm eating food does to us, all of them endeavouring to make what life we have left as miserable as possible. Why can’t they get a proper job, in a Melton Mowbray sandwich factory maybe?
However, I may have mentioned in the past that I adopt a preventative maintenance approach to my health and not wishing to take any unreasonable risks, from now on I will be eschewing the tasty lunchtime ham sandwich, passing on the yummy mid-ride double sausage, bacon and ketchup bap, and sadly waving goodbye to the incomparable full English breakfast.
Future inspection of my fridge will display stems of broccoli and kale, a multitude of leafy green vegetables, spinach in particular, a stock of almonds and, of course, plenty of quinoa, blueberries and bags of oat bran, almost all of which will be way beyond their best before date as no one in their right mind will want to join me here for a meal any more.
However, if you want to come and discuss my new ultra healthy diet further, you can find me Friday evenings queuing outside the chippie on Ashwell Road.
I wonder if they sell ham sandwiches in Azerbaijan? I suspect not - counter to the country’s culture, probably not even available for tourists, which I will be a few short days after you read this. Hopefully, though, they might make an reappearance in Georgia or Armenia. I’ll let you know when I get back from my latest adventure.
