Rutland columnist Allan Grey clocks up Santa’s miles and tries to sell his banana artwork

Well, it’s that time again, bah humbug time, not for me you understand, writes Rutland columnist Allan Grey.

I totally believe in Christmas, especially Santa Claus, I still leave a tasty feast on the hearth for him along with a couple of carrots for Rudolph. Yes I know the chimney is blocked off, but he’s magic isn’t he? Who else could drink a litre of Harvey’s Bristol Cream and eat a dozen M&S mince pies at 2am on Christmas morning and still have time to repeat at a zillion more homes around the world without getting severe indigestion? Yeah, only Santa can do that.

But now I’m in absolute bits, a lifetime of believing in Santa ripped to shreds in a matter of minutes. All this having read in a national newspaper last week about a vicar who visited a primary school down south somewhere to talk about Christmas, to talk about the birth of Jesus to an excited group of 10 and 11 year old children.

Whilst doing so, the vicar was suddenly overcome with a severe strain of senseless stupidity bordering on sanctimony, telling the children that Santa wasn’t real and it was their parents that bought their presents, their parents that ate all the mince pies and drank the sherry, albeit he wasn’t quite so sure who cleared the carrots and left a large pile of droppings on the carpet.

As you might imagine I was very upset reading this, spending the next couple of days sobbing and in tears, the children weren’t too taken with the idea either; what possible evidence did this vicar have to substantiate such unfounded nonsense, well apart from some of the mathematics that is. For the polymaths out there, to complete the job in the time available Santa has to visit over 1,000 homes every second, and so has just 1/1,000 of a second to park his sleigh, dismount, slide down the chimney, leave the presents around the Christmas tree, drink a large glass of sherry, eat at least 3.5 mince pies, climb back up the chimney, get back on the sleigh and drive on the the next house. Calculations conclude that Santa has to travel some 75 million miles at a speed of 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound, evidence this maybe, but it’s still a little bit flimsy I’m sure you’ll agree.

All I can say is that if this vicar would like us to believe in the Almighty, not just at Christmas, but year round, then do us all a favour mate, don’t be so stupid, just let us all continue to believe in the magic of Christmas.

While we’re on the subject of stupidity, or seemingly in this case gross gullibility, and given I lived with a Type One diabetic for over 50 years, another story recently left me jaw-droppingly open mouthed, given that it ended in the tragic death of a woman who so wanted to believe that her Type One diabetes could be cured by an ‘alternative therapy’.

The alternative therapy she sought in this case, was received at a week long retreat run by a notorious alternative healer, a man who had already been imprisoned for causing the death of a six year old boy in Australia. This charlatan continued to maintain that various medical conditions could be cured by patients being repeatedly slapped by others, or by repeatedly slapping themsleves, this in order to expel various toxins from their body. It seems this somewhat bizarre alternative therapy convinced this somewhat gullible woman, who led an otherwise happy, risk averse family life, that she could be cured.

The woman in question had had diabetes for 18 years and had been injecting insulin all those years, but had sought alternative therapy due to her vegetarianism and her fear of needles. She participated in the slapping therapy, and was so convinced by the healer, believing him to be a ‘Messenger from God’, and had so wanted to no longer need to inject, that incredibly she chose to stop taking her insulin, and four days into the week long therapy course she died in agony from diabetic ketoacidosis, or in laymans’ terms super high blood sugar levels over an extended period.

Lastly, let’s move from gullibility and stupidity onto absurdity, something found quite regularly these days in the world of alternative art. Back in 2019 an Italian artist created a piece of artwork called Comedian, believed by many afficianados to be an absurdist commentary on the artworld. Comedian was displayed at an exhibition in Miami but more recently reproduced, this time on a plain white external wall of the New York auction house, Sotheby’s.

Comedian was a single banana stuck to this plain white wall at an attractive 45 degree angle with a piece of grey duct tape, nothing more, nothing less. The banana had been sold to the artist by a street vendor across the road from the white wall for 35 cents.

Like much art, Comedian was then put up for auction with bidding starting at a mere $800,000 before finally selling for $6,200,000, yes 6.2 million dollars. The absurdity didn’t stop there however, and at a press conference afterwards, the purchaser, one Mr. Sun, removed the banana from the wall, peeled it and then ate it, mmm, yummy?

I have reproduced Comedian for you and I’m happy to take a couple of grand. PM me and I’ll send you my bank details.