Ward's World column takes aim at those pesky scammers who blight us with spam

In this week's Ward's World column, madcap inventor John Ward takes aim at those pesky scammers who bombard us on a daily basis.

Now living in an age where reality and the bizarre seem to go hand in hand, I’m not really surprised to get assorted messages in my email ‘spam’ box requesting I reply to the sender as they have a parcel, package or consignment that requires my ‘urgent attention’ in order to get ‘clearance’ so it can be delivered to me.

Obviously they are scam attempts hoping to entice me - or anyone - to reply as they want my bank details etc. Handing over such private information is but a ‘mere formality’ we are assured so that you can get the said ‘clearance’ in order to have the supposed (or non existent) parcel/package arrive.

I average five or six a day now - my personal ‘best day’ so far was eleven - although a friend has achieved over seventeen such messages as a daily figure (oh, how I envy him - not).

I obviously never reply to any for them for basic common sense reasons.

The sender’s name usually seems impressive enough doesn’t it?

Most, if not all, are real names of companies and concerns but recently I had one message from (allegedly) Hermes couriers. This company changed its trading name to Evri over a year ago, but this minor insignificant detail seems to have been missed by the scammers in their zeal get their hands on cash (mine, to be precise).

Based on the above, I still hold out I might get a message from the cowboy era Wells Fargo Overland Stage Company informing me that due to attacks on their stagecoaches by masked robbers - ‘the baddies’ - that my chest of shovel fresh gold nuggets can still be delivered for a small ‘clearance fee’ by giving my bank details.

This may well replace the telephone effort of the scam - the ones where you are told your broadband connection will be terminated the following day unless you ‘take steps’ (also wanting you or I to supply bank details again) to stop this from happenin.

I had three or four attempts last year but my handy ‘Acme Thunderer’ referee’s whistle came in very handy on two of those occasions as the perfect riposte.

Oddly, once given a blast down the phone with the said whistle - purely, of course, to blow any fluff out that may have sought refuge in it - those on the receiving end never seem to reply afterwards, not even to ask what the half time score might be.

So full time results are: Ward’s Wanderers 1 Scammers Anonymous 0.

There are many ways of looking at these scams.

I know of two amusing reactions. In one, somebody was delighted for this to happen as he did not have a broadband connection and offered the use of his own wire cutters in order to do this deed. In another, the person pointed out that that, as his connection was so abysmal, how would he know if the service had been terminated?

One email ‘message’ that did creep through ‘congratulated me for winning over a thousand pounds’ in whatever it was.

Having not actually entered anything remotely involving such a sum, I felt it would be dishonest to accept it - to which I responded with that minor point in my written response.

A reply was mere seconds later - they don’t hang about in Scammerland it seems. I was informed by Fisal (my very own personal ‘Winnings Portfolio Liaison Supervisory’ donchca jolly know) that for me to receive this amount into my bank account I would need to pay an ‘expediting charge’ (I believe it’s the same as a ‘standing charge’ but you see even less for your money) of twenty five pounds

As it’s me (Gosh! - Shock! - who, me?!) this will be only ten pounds.

Much whoopee, I thought. I cannot begin to tell you how overwent (forget overwhelmed, we are talking serious stuff here) I felt at knowing/learning this otherwise the rest of this page is going to look pretty bare as in devoid of the printed stuff like words, full stops, commas and things.

I replied to Fisal, my very own personal Winnings Portfolio Liaison Supervisory, that I was truly honoured and all that sort of thing but would I have to share it with anybody else? Was there somebody else involved that had also not entered but was promised a piece of the action financial-wise, like?

As swift as a ricocheting bullet the reply came back as Fizzy, my very own personal Winnings Portfolio Liaison Supervisory, wanted to ‘reassure’ me that nobody else was or would be involved but could I please supply my bank account number and sort code as soon as possible in order to get this transaction done as ‘time was importance’.

What a spoil sport, I thought. I was quite enjoying this by now. Plus I have now got my very own personal Winnings Portfolio Liaison Supervisory in the form of Fizzy, whoever he or she might be, who was making the afternoon quite enjoyable considering it was raining cats and canines outside.

I should point out at this stage Fizzy had no idea as to who I was name-wise, as the email was addressed to ‘Dear Wonder Winner’ which, on the face of it, leaves a lot of scope, all things considered.

Anyway I had to spoil his fun as I pointed out my mum, of the people for the people, always said never talk to strange people or, best of all, do not allow them access to your bag of conkers - ie the cash stuff - in any form.

Oddly Fizzy never wrote back after that.