What made Britain 'grate'

Scribbling away at this column can be quite interesting at times or rather the feedback can be, although in one instance, the suggestion offered was both physically impossible plus my not being what could be called double jointed to achieve the first part was somewhat lacking.

However, one recent response was enlightening, as Tony, who I had worked with some years ago, was ‘killing time’ looking on the internet when he came across this column and realised it was me (gosh and things).

We haven’t seen each other for ages, as he left the company we worked for before I did, when he moved away for a supposed ‘better future’ (it wasn’t, after all, he now relates) with his new, now ex-, wife, although he is retired and spends most of his time taunting fish in his local river with assorted baits on the end of his fishing line but true to form, never seems to catch the actual fish.

Oddly, the fishing connection also related to our ex-boss, the incredible ‘Albert the Grate’ as we fondly referred to him, as he once had a DIY moment when he removed his fireplace in his home that nearly brought the wall or perhaps the house down around it. While he was a superb engineer, with a sledge hammer and chisel he was not so talented - hence thereafter he was called ‘Albert the Grate’ as opposed to Albert the Fireplace, which you may notice takes up more letters and so would require more ink if printing it out.

Albert, when not going into the family habitat demolition work, was a keen angler and spent many an hour by the local riverbank training assorted bait to behave itself on the end of his fishing line. If nothing else, he did get through assorted sandwiches his wife Mary prepared for his long vigils, which she didn’t mind him doing, as it allowed her to get the housework done without him clogging up the place and to go on her shopping extravaganzas.

I saw him on the bait-dangling malarkey as I was driving past our local river, so I stopped and popped over to see how he was doing but his usual straightforward, no nonsense reply was thus: ‘So far, one Tesco shopping trolley - it were murder trying to get that out I don’t mind telling you - then an old pram wheel with no tyre, plus a vacuum cleaner hosepipe. The fish, I think, are on a ‘Right to Survive’ demonstration or ‘go-slow’, as they have not showed up so far, but you have though.’

Albert was always direct, no messing about talking gibberish, as to him it was like using metal - 'you don’t want too much, or any waste at all really, just enough to get the job done' was his mantra, as he was brought up in an era of keeping an eye on everything and any form of waste was not to be tolerated.

One amusing moment Tony remembered was when he had an encounter with some self-styled, one-man band ‘time and motion’ supposed expert, who arrived unannounced to ply his services as Albert brought him into the factory area, the chap could (he said) ‘make the business very efficient and cost effective to supersede all targets by applying time to the motion element’.

Albert heard him out as we all stood around listening - there were only seven of us as we were a small compact unit - but after about a quarter of an hour’s waffling, Albert said his piece, which went something like the following:

He pointed out to ‘T and M’ that we had an enviable reputation in the precision engineering work, as we delivered the product on time but as for supposed targets, he suggested that if he wanted such things, he would have joined the local archery or shooting clubs long ago.

He explained we dealt in precision engineering, where the product is evolved or made where the time element or ‘score board’ mentality to appease somebody above, with perhaps no idea of the situation or any idea of what it takes to reach the end product, was not a factor, as we dealt in the real world and our customers kept coming back as they knew we could do the job properly at the agreed price, on time.

So the company ethos was less haste but with a keen, sharp eye - not to break any mythical, dreamt-up target or record.

To see the utter and complete defeat in that man’s eyes was something that I can, or rather both Tony and I can, still recall even today, as the full time score result was Albert 1 Time and Motion 0.

With Albert, you got what you heard, like it or not, but it’s fair to say we had total faith in him - apart from his DIY skills when it came to fireplace removal that is - and if he said ‘jump in the river’ we probably would have done but safe in the knowledge no fish would be harmed.

However, one weakness was his dear lady wife, Mary.

She could spend for Britain (formally known as Great Britain but like Albert, we seem to have lost the Great/grate bit there as well) and her shopping expeditions were the stuff of legend in some respects. If not doing the housework that involved Albert having to walk round on newspapers - he envied their dog at times, as it never seemingly applied to him - she was ‘out shopping’ (now re-branded nowadays as ‘retail therapy’ but she was initially a true pioneer) for anything or everything that sported an expensive price tag, as it was likely to be on her ‘hit list’.

She often went out on buying safaris with her sister, so if Mary brought something that didn’t fit her quite right, there was a strong chance her sister would end up wearing it, as it was a no-no to take anything back for a refund or exchange, as that was a defeatist thing to do.

She once came into our place of gainful employment one late afternoon after a spending spree to see Albert, as we all heard her ask him: ‘Albert love - are they allowed to give me five parking tickets all in one day? ’

In fairness, he did his religious moment of uttering ‘oh my God...’ in a quite subdued tone, as she fluttered her eyelashes in his direction while awaiting his reply that never quite came, so she had to make do with the ‘oh my God..’.

It was sad to learn they are no longer with us, as Albert is now possibly sitting around on his cloud trying not to upset any passing fish with assorted baits, while Mary perhaps trying to keep one step ahead of any parking wardens outside those ‘pearly gates’, as between them, they were what made this country once grate or possibly great as well.