An invitation of sorts...

Being of a certain but perceptive age - as in 'getting on a bit' - that while one cannot erase the previous years, if so desired, one thing that is evident is that you get a better caring class of people wanting to help you cross the road safely despite the fact you perhaps didn’t want to go across but at least it shows they are caring and if it ever happened to me I will let you know.

Not so long ago the expression of ‘old age creeping on’ was usually whittled down to a few instances: you were bombarded with brochures for stair lifts - bungalows were not a problem seemingly, as they would or could include digging you a cellar so you could start from there - the walk-in baths (like cupboards, but damper) and assorted ‘miracle remedies’ such as magnetic bracelets to wear on various parts of the body in order to keep assorted illnesses and plagues at bay, but if you missed your footing, you had a devil of a job to get parted from the fridge door as you went to it and became stuck to it - involuntarily of course - as they were so strong.

To think you went to the fridge to get the milk out for a cuppa and ended up being prised off it by either neighbours (who like a good laugh) or the Fire Brigade’s finest.

By now you may be wondering, assuming you have lasted this far, what this is leading to and so it’s now the unveiling bit - so to speak.

Being myself of a certain age and worked out thus: I am a mere 37 years of age, but with assorted ‘add-ons’ like VAT at the going rate, Congestion Charge ditto, Ozone Layer Depletion and Greenhouse Gas Charge ditto, Save The Polar Bear Fund in association with the Climate Change Charge plus the Anything Else That Twitches Tax (basic rate until advised otherwise) which makes me old enough or eligible to receive a letter from our NHS that is the medical envy of the world, nay planet, in so much that the world from all directions has made the extra effort to get here to help in sharing it with us if reports in recent years are anything to go by.

Those on the planet Zacko would come too but cannot find a landing spot for their astro craft due to roadworks on the A17/A16 but diversions are in place as normal.

However, this particular letter relates to a forthcoming attraction - but it will include details about another similar letter with extra bits to follow - but before we get there I feel I should explain the contents of this one before we queue jump or if under the age of 60, leapfrog - but at your own risk.

One of the joys of getting to a certain age (read as CDC: Coffin Dodgers Club) is getting assorted NHS mailings that do not offer bonus offers on home improvements, electric garage doors or made to measure curtains but a medical service that hopes to help you to sustain getting more (?) out of life plus you are a ‘on the system’ tax payer so they can keep tabs on you until the ultimate happens but you don’t get a free 28-day trial of a electric trouser press in your own home or a set of nut crackers made from sustainable wood, if you ignore the metal pin holding them together.

The following revelation may be new to you - OK, you ain’t old enough yet then - in that when getting to a certain age you get automated letters or rather an ‘invitation’ it sez to take part in the NHS Bowel Cancer Screening Programme and very commendable and laudable and is offered every two years and this letter/invitation is to let me know that I will be receiving a testing kit in the next two weeks and to be fair I have had them before but it's at this point I would like to point a few observations out gleaned from the said letter/invitation that may have been there before but I think are more relevant nowadays and so I will explain.

I must be or I am on the almighty compootah that spits these things out therefore it knows I am still alive, breathing and occupy a section on their graph/pie chart they will point at now and again to reassure the figures/statistics thing is working and if nothing else keeps people in a job that otherwise they would have been found wanting.

So bearing that minor point in mind, would it not have been more practical, OK 'sensible' then, to have combined this letter/invite with the said testing kit in one bumper filled package, stick it in the post, then let nature take its course and it would appear in the next pile of junk mail we have delivered including special offers from the pizza joint or a sale on fitted cushion covers to name but a couple of the joys we get but never respond to these days.

I mention this observation as, in recent times, there has been an enormous amount of publicity about overspending on the NHS, general wastefulness plus lack of funds to compound the problem even further as now I, along with countless others like thousands and upwards, will be getting a double dollop of post when it could have all been contained in one handy bumper pack and saved one lot of postage, printing and overall cost etc. etc, but wadda I know?

Paragraph three starts off - I quote: ‘We do not have your medical history and screening is not appropriate for everyone’ and if that’s not confusing enough, it then meanders on to say if you don’t want to be screened (?!) to ring a Freephone number and one comes to the inevitable conclusion this whole page of information was dreamt up by a committee of ‘minds’ as committees do this sort of thing.

But the back page is a classic as it reads if I am: ‘..unable to read this letter because English in not my first language’ there is a choice of 13 other languages to choose from and I wonder if those off this list of 13 have complained that they were or felt excluded? Plus the thought: is it available in Klingon to cater for the Star Trek folk otherwise I can see them protesting about being under-represented.

I should also point out that a booklet is included in this ‘invitation’ called ‘Bowel Cancer Screening - The Facts’ but that’s written in something called English with no hints or suggestions about getting it in another language but may well be following on in another pack (any bets?).

Before anybody thinks I am trivialising this whole escapade, I would point out that I have stood at the graveside in recent years of too many relations, friends who passed away from this and associated cancer problems and find it no laughing matter unlike this ‘invitation’, which I find to be a borderline case and if nothing else, wasting money in the process as outlined above.

The above information was written in English, with no further options or Freephone numbers available.