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That was close!




For the first time last week I experienced an event I can barely talk about - but in the interests of self-help therapy, I feel I need to share my life changing incident.

It was a normal Sunday night, my wife was downstairs watching Countryfile (for those of you unfamiliar with Countryfile, it’s a Sunday night show where presenters feature stories from rural communities along the lines of ‘And tonight on Countryfile we’ll be looking at sheep’s bottoms’).

Anyway, as I’m not a fan of sheep’s bottoms, I always take that as my cue to take my Sunday night bath. I had washed and was now well into the relaxation phase, when I’d realised that I was, in fact, wedged in the bath.

Twenty minutes later, my body was still wedged. However, I now looked like a soggy, fat and slightly hairy prune.

It would seem, somehow, I had managed to form a vacuum between my back and the bath.

My first course of action was to use my toes to pull on the plug chain, therefore draining the bath. Ten minutes later, the water had fully drained and now not only did I have the skin of an over-dried prune, but also stage 1 hypothermia.

With voice weakening, I managed to let out a cry for help. It may well have been several cries before my fading voice was heard above the sound of bleating sheep of Countryfile.

Claire, my wife, was first to discover me and rather than show compassion for a man who was obviously in distress, ran out of the bathroom, fetched her phone and took a photo of me. I felt defiled.

At this stage, I was becoming delirious. Claire managed to slide her hand down my back, breaking the seal. I was free at last.

During the darkest hours of my ordeal, I had made a promise to myself to exercise more. The following morning I awoke early, glad to be alive and headed out into the garden.

I was going to do manual labour. My task today was to edge the lawn and define my newly-planted flower borders.

I grabbed my car keys headed down to Baytree and purchased myself a new Wilkinson Sword Lawn Edger. On returning home, I headed straight into the garden, gleaming stainless steel tool in hand.

Slowly at first, I began to work the tool into the ground. Pleased with the 1.4 metre progress I‘d made, I decided to call a halt.

Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

All I then needed was a bath!



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