That unsure feeling

Just then I was made aware that ‘Mr and Mrs of a certain age’ were near to me: he was sporting a pair of ‘fish bowl’ looking lens spectacles as he was picking up any item found within his grasp, and then bringing it up to eye level to focus on.

The lady had the appearance of comedian Les Dawson, when in drag, as she held her handbag with both clenched hands as she spoke to him: “We really ought to have brought our Len as you’re so unsure all the while,” which possibly meant ‘our Len’ could well be the one with the reasonable set of eyeballs.

The subject of his/their gaze is the humble electric drill as sold to folk to drill holes in places deemed not to have a hole already or at worse, parts of their own anatomy - or other peoples, possibly without their permission - when their enthusiasm gets the better of them as seen in some A&E departments.

I was just moving on when: “Young man,” he said: “Do you have any idea as to how good this drill is? - you ask the staff but they will tell you anything but you look like you know something about drills.”

He said this while looking in the direction of my left shoulder.

Perhaps I have a sort of face that breeds ‘trust’ or then again you might wish to consider ‘lumber’ but not in the wooden sense as that’s stacked up outside - but ignore that last remark and stay with ‘lumber’ despite the fact he considers me to be ‘young’ lest we forget.

Mrs Thingy then looks from side to side, then leans over to me: “It’s his birthday money and he wants one now.”

“Fancy,” I said.

“Well he’s seen these make up (make-over) telly programmes so he wants to have a go himself but I told him ‘Our Len’ is the person to ask and bring along (she turns and looks at him) to put him right about such things as he’s unsure all the while.

“He doesn’t know, not a clue - his brother was just the same - he’s passed away now but what I will say is he was a good wallpaper hanger while he was alive.”

His potential while dearly departed is not mentioned but looks as if he made a wise decision to get away from the rest of the family I see before me. I was tempted to ask ‘how he went’ but didn’t, although I have christened them The Unsures.

Mrs Unsure carried on: “But if you ask the staff in here, they only want to sell you something - you know what it’s like,” she said as I managed a word in while I could with the overpowering desire to just get away.

“Maybe so, but they deal with customers every day and have been doing so for a long time so they must be doing some good otherwise they would not be still trading,” I offered in their defence and hoped to pass the buck as it was.

“True,” she replied: “But Frank is not a customer as he does not come here very often and he is not ‘up’ on things like...”

“Your Len is?” I asked which was followed by “Exactly. That is the point I am making - Frank is not good at decisions.”

“You are married though?” I asked but I didn’t expect the next bit.

“Yes we are - but that was my mother for you - she did not have to live with him and put up with his antics but she did get on ever so well with his mother - they shared knitting patterns a lot.”

Although I have heard about ‘arranged’ marriages but not ‘deranged’ ones so this was quite mind numbing.

While all this enlightenment is going on, her Frank was playing around with the electric screwdrivers and wondering ‘why they don’t work if they’re electric’ as I pointed out they are not charged up plus the one in his hand did not have a battery in it.

Mrs Unsure has a look of death on her face as she glares at him and you could cut the air with a chisel - chisels can be found on the middle shelf of the adjacent aisle, close to the hand operated screwdrivers.

Frank looked around then said that he wanted “a battery drill with no trailing wire (cable) to get in the way just like on the make-up programmes” as Mrs U spoke: “What do YOU mean? - Of COURSE you want an electric drill! - it’s your birthday money and you are having an electric drill!”

She said their electric was as good as anybody else’s plus for added measure: “So no more messing about and make a choice - this would not happen if Len was here.”

Despite all this, you will be pleased (possibly) to learn that Frank chose a battery powered model - once Mrs Unsure was happy he could use their electricity to charge it up - and from the technical aspect, Frank will tell you he chose a “little green coloured one” all by himself.

I just got to the check-out and paid for my items as quick as I could then made a sharp exit as I saw the car keys in Frank’s hand as he was getting his wallet out (with his ‘birthday money’ in I assume) as I just wanted to be away before them if he was driving - it was just a feeling I had or rather I was slightly unsure about.