Secret Drinker reviews The Moon Under Water in Boston

I’ve tried my hardest to dodge reviewing a JD Wetherspoon pub since this column was served its first pint last year.

Mostly, because Lincolnshire has plenty of wonderful, unique and — to those who may not be regular visitors to certain areas — yet-to-be discovered hostelries that deserve their place in the spotlight.

Also partly because this chain is the pub version of a Woody Allen movie - if you’ve seen one then you’ve seen ‘em all… and it’s really not that exciting.

But, like all drinkers looking for a swift one down a town high street, there comes a time when you just have to succumb to a Spoons.

The Moon Under Water is one of the county’s many identi-kit Wethers - a big, gloriously grand building made to feel unnecessarily gloomy by the dim lighting and vast amount of dark wood everywhere.

And on the walls hang portraits of famous local heroes you’ve never heard of.

Were this one of those films where you, the protagonist, woke up with your memory erased then it would take you just seconds to establish you were in a Spoons… but which one would be anyone’s guess.

This one just happened to be in Boston.

Ironically, The Moon Under Water takes its name from a 1946 essay by George Orwell where he describes in great detail what should be found in the ideal public house (presumably ‘four legs good, two legs bad’ was originally his description of crawling home after a heavy sesh?).

With its long L-shaped bar stocked with a wide selection of traditional favourites and guest drinks this wasn’t a bad start. But far from perfection.

For starters, surely everyone inside the most glorious boozer imaginable wouldn’t appear a little miserable. The place was busy but devoid of any true atmosphere.

The lone drinkers sat stony-faced, glaring into the distance. The families ordering their meals seemed stressed out by their hangry kids’ demands. The women glugging pints of cider outside bemoaned the coldness as they stubbed another fag out into the ashtray.

And, as appears to be the case in all of these establishments, the bloke in the gents’ cubicle sounded like he was losing a fight with himself.

A notice in the entranceway told me these facilities received a Platinum Plus award in the 2023 Loo of the Year awards, so I can only imagine this chap was struggling elsewhere back then.

Wetherspoon pubs never feel like a place where people look forward to going, but instead a compromise where nobody is truly happy. It’s all a bit, ‘well, we’re here so me might as well’.

The foursome approaching on the table next to me only solidified this belief as they took their seats and picked up the menus.

“They’re not real Lincolnshire sausages,” said a man.

“The mushy peas are like paste,” his wife added.

“We always come here,” the man added.

Resisting the urge to slap him round the face and scream ‘DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LOVELY PUBS AND RESTAURANTS THERE ARE AROUND HERE’ from close quarters I instead allowed myself to titter at his impeccable comic timing.

I, like everyone else, it seemed, was only here to kill a bit of time and ordered a half of Hullabaloo, amazed to discover this was only going to set me back 90p.

‘Try before you buy’ suggested a sign below the pump. But at that price you may as well buy before you try as there’s little to lose.

Even at that price I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy my time in the Moon Under Water and sat there stony-faced, glaring into the distance.

Ah. Now I get it.

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THE MOON UNDER WATER, HIGH STREET, BOSTON, PE21 8SH

DECOR: It’s pretty much the same as every Wetherspoons everywhere. But, I have to say, the place was extremely clean. 2/5

DRINK: A half of Hullabaloo (ABV 4.2%), a best bitter by Loddon Brewery. It was ok. 2/5

PRICE: At 90p - yes, 90p - I felt I’d gone back 40 years and had to stop myself looking for a vending machine that could sell me 16 Superkings for £2.50. A very fair price. 5/5

ATMOSPHERE: The place was busy but dead. The atmosphere felt like one of resignation. 2/5

STAFF: The lady who served me had a long line of punters so dispatched me with clinical swiftness. 2/5

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Do you agree with the secret drinker or have any suggestions where he should go next? Where is your favourite beer garden? Email secretdrinker@lincsonline.co.uk or comment below.