Secret Drinker reviews The Tulip Queen in Spalding

In this brave new world of virtue signalling and a desperate need to belong, I must admit I have no idea where I fit in on this multi-coloured line that stretches from far left to Steve Bannon, with every conceivable identity in between.

Over the last few months I’ve had one internet stranger calls me a ‘MAGA cuck’ and another suggest he wanted to guzzle my ‘libtard tears’ (which I presume is an insult and not a new kink I’ve missed out on?).

Perhaps I am a snowflake, a Nazi, a centrist dad, one of them sheeple or even *checks notes* a member of the elite wokerati in desperate need of giving his head a wobble?

It’s impossible to keep up with which label constitutes abuse or a compliment but - in this globalist online world that promised to connect us all, although presumably not in the hate-filled way - I suppose the moniker you want to give me depends where your own starting point is.

Which only makes me yearn for the pub of days gone by.

Please take me back to the time where every village or estate had its own boozer - at least one - where you could walk in as a stranger or a regular and strike up a bit of banter.

Whether you were for or against Putin, Palestine or Plymouth Argyle you could have a genuine conversation with a genuine person who had their own personality, rather than being hit with a long list of overused cut-n-paste insults ready to be flung from the safety of the smartphone.

Indeed, aren’t we all a lot more cordial and less confrontational with our fellow man when there’s no block button and they’re sat just a right hook away, pool cue or glass within reach.

Back when our evenings were the Nag’s Head not Netflix, life was about the communal craic, not having to stand out as individuals.

Yeah, a Liverpool tracksuit top or a Rolling Stones tour T-shirt would give a hint at a person’s preferences, but everyone was welcome to happily gather round and throw jokes at one another and ask what the hell Kevin Keegan was doing with that line-up against Germany.

Of course, there were disagreements and occasionally a bit of politics was thrown up, but people soon got back to the important stuff, like which kebab house they were stopping off on the way home.

But life has changed dramatically, something that was hammered home to me when I got to the bar at the Tulip Queen.

Among the many and differing options at the pumps was Brooklyn’s The Stonewall Inn IPA.

With its distinctive rainbow colours, the name a nod to the New York bar which gave birth to a groundbreaking gay civil rights uprising, and marketing blurb that states the brewery is ‘committed to creating space for grass roots activism in every community that we serve’ I’m sure there will be plenty of plonkers ready to lazily label this drink ‘woke’ and refuse to have a slurp, just as America fired insults - and Kid Rock’s bullets - at that Bud Light ad.

But if they’re daft enough to take themselves that seriously and they think a drink defines them, unable to just shrug at someone living a little differently, then they’re missing out on a cracking pint which is fantastic in almost every way.

I say almost every way as it cost me £6.90 for the privilege. Throw in the £3.20 Pepsi for my mate and I was breaking into a twenty for one alcoholic and one fizzy drink.

The price of being seen to be right-on eh?

Chances are you’ve at least driven past the Tulip Queen at some point as it sits on the A16 on the outskirts of Spalding.

This Marston’s venue offered a mixture of diners making the most of the carvery and plenty of drinkers enjoying a rare bit of sun as kids played on the inviting climbing frame when I arrived (although bizarrely everyone outside had cleared off, barring a few smokers, when I left).

Inside young families and elderly couples tucked in to their grub while a table of three generations - the elder two getting well lubricated as the youngsters sat nose-deep in their tablets - were having a right old laugh.

The Tulip Queen is a nice, clean, well-presented pub and restaurant.

It fits in with the modern trend of being comfortable and pleasant enough not to offend anyone, but just lacking in anything to excite me.

But what I will must say is that - with the exception of anyone under the age of 10, all of whom get a free pass here - everyone I spotted was at least engaging in conversation with those around them rather than lighting up their faces with screen glow.

Almost like the good old days.

THE TULIP QUEEN, BARRIER BANK, SPALDING, PE12 6FY

DECOR: Nothing screams ‘meh’ quite like a modern chain. It was neat, clean, tidy and too well presented, its light-wooden doors, inoffensive artwork and bold feature walls ggiving off show home vibes. 3/5

DRINK: As you’ve read, a brilliant pint of The Stonewall Inn IPA by Brooklyn Brewery. 4/5

PRICE: I paid £6.90. It’s a great pint, but for that price I’d want it to be delivered to my table on a silver platter by a minor Royal. 2/5

ATMOSPHERE: Lots happening and lots of people enjoying their afternoon. Fair play to them. 4/5

STAFF: You know what, I really liked the staff here. All chirpy, happy and seemingly enjoying their day’s work. 4/5

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